This is actually an entry I began in ‘Jouuney’, my online journal. As I started to open up and expose myself to the public, which we all know as writers, is scary, and takes you back to places long ago, put, or taken away,; never to be visited again.
But, it is having lived through our own private “hell”…that God can equip us, with great wisdom and insight…to turn it around for our own good. But, I feel, most importantly, for the lives of others. Like the 1/3 of all teens that commit suicide, havr done so, solely due, to what I am about to tell of myself.
If this saves one life, it will make my entire past…a welcome, “Miracle”.
It’s been a long, lonely, and quite embarrassing day for me…which is a very “strange” and ” rare” place to find myself.
Each day, save a few per year…believe it or not…I awake with the same, or, “renewed” optimism. Optimistic in my journaling and writing published blogs, of my own, from the heart. This will be in the time, just before dawn, when all is silent…noone to break it, for a few hours at least.
Not to sound mushy or lacking in my masculine side…this actually takes a big chunk, so to speak, of masculinity…just to have the strength to draw from my “feminine” side, as many would put it. But, I believe, that when I find myself thinking about what many would think to be a little feminist…I would have to answer to that with replying with “it is the “Grace”.. an ‘undeserved ‘ gift, from God.., He allowed me to take away with me, during my decade of living “The lies” from the enemy of God and therefore, our adversary, in spiritual warfare., the devil. “For we know, that all things work for good, to them that love God, and, are ‘called’r according to HIS Purpose.”… Romans 8:28
I remember when the “realization” that I was a”fag”…( I apologize, I’m using that term because, it was the only vernacular I had heard used, especially by my brother, when I was nine years old… showing the harshness of the moment, …when you’re suddenly alone in this secret….except for the man (19 years old), who started molesting me, and when I refused, started forcibly raping me. Almost on a daily basis. He and his younger brother were friends with my brother, and I thought of like an older brother also…my brother was two years older than I. But I suddenly realized, that he was just using me like a playtoy. I felt as if I had lost a brother., in addition to all that I was a feeling at that time, in my life. No one could know, especially my brother. The weight I carried, was almost more than I could bear, much less assimilate at that you age. I already knew I would never have the wife and kids I dreamed of. Even at that age. From that moment, I had a new dream.
If I could hide it, I was going to be a. Detective, and arrest the people like him. And the ones doing drugs like he and the other guys we knew. Pot. But, it was STILL WRONG! I remember the guilt and shame, turning into fury. But, nothing I could do until I was 18. And that, I did!
As soon as I turned 18, I left the job, my only other passion, as a “D.J.” at a small country radio station, where I was hired while in the tenth grade…with my own nightly radio show, “The Soul Show”. Rap and blues at it’s best. Besides being an actor., that was my other passion. I volunteered at our Christian radio station, WTLG FM, FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH…Built solely by my best friend a Radio Engineer friend, and myself. Becoming its first announcer. In such a small town of just over 6,000 people…not much of a chance of being an actor. I was wrong. I got the chance to move to Hollywood, living with a writer friend. The one that inspired me to be an actor. Living in the condo of an actor, which was a household name, of every generation. I turned it down. I had a bad feeling about it. My feeling was spot on, so to speak more on that, later.
At 18, I found myself, locked in a room, with no way out, unless someone came, with the first criminal, to be named as a “Serial” killer…Theodore Bundy, Ted Bundy. In silence, he was pacing back and forth, impatiently waiting on someone that he was expecting…looking, almost glaring at me, as he paced. Suddenly, I heard the lock on the door turning. A man motioned for me to come out. I looked up at “Ted”, and said, ” alright take it easy…stay out of trouble. I then took the cuffs off of him…cuffing his hands in front, before I went out. His visitor had arrived. I walked out, the other officer locking the door behind us…leaving him to visit his girlfriend, in the ‘no contact’ visiting park. I was working at Florida State Prison….before cross-training, and moving to Orlando, to work in Law enforcement., there is the beginning of the story. Soon to be in print, and in theatres, late Fall, 2021. I believe in speaking things as if they are. That is when they become. Besides, I’d never dream of attempting it. But, when God puts a ” calling” in your heart, and you see it clearly, from start to finish…I, anyway have to go.
If He can “take away”, in a moment….the lie, that the enemy of my soul had me to believe, for just over a decade. God alongside me, the whole journey…and taking the guilt, shame, panic attacks, etc.. I believe. Have total faith, in His calling. And. He won’t call you to do something, without equipping you for the job…
That job is to get my stories out, giving hope to the “seemingly” hopeless…to “Show”, that His Love, is Stronger than anything you fear.
God bless you and yours.