In every aspect, of LIFE… We
All get knocked down.
At some in your LIFE, there will come a point, when everything, is going to go south on you.
Everything is going to go south…And you’re going to say, “This is it; This, is how I am.”
We all get blindsided…By… LIFE
A lot of things are going to happen, that will catch you “off guard”. You can lose your job… You can lose your Family… lose your home… lose your car…Told, ” you can’t come back again”…
That’s when fear can set it’s a trap.
“Fear”? Fear is a LIAR… “It”, doesn’t exist! It is in your mind.
It lived in mine…Took up “residency”, after June 1990. After leaving the only life I’d ever known. And in its wake, the only true love, I have ever had to this day.
Four years later, while working in the “private sector” for four years, I had my first ‘Panic Attack ‘. I recall it in spatial detail. It was the most terrifying, menacingly, helpless feeling, of inevitable, insanity, demise, Doom.
Its the same with anyone who has ever “survived” such an evil sense of pure terror. You truly believe that “this is it”. I won’t survive this one”. You will believe…feel, at the, very least, you will lose your sanity.
Before 1994, I didn’t understand, pity, nor defend the “weak-minded” people, like my ” Favorite” Aunt. Suffered the same thing, stemming from…come to think of it, the end of her only and last “Love”, her divorce… When I was an evolving, maturing youth, she lived with us. Family. I loved her…yet that too was ” evolving”… Into resentment.
Her mood swings, medications. I asked why… or made the argument with my mother, “Why, if you are a Christian, and trust the Lord, would you worry about everything and be so nervous, and take pills?”
Like I said, I was evolving…
I would get, my answers.
Once the ‘Panic Attack’ was over, it amazingly… was OVER. Except for the residuals, like after the worst nightmare you ever had.
Until…the next one.
I continued to “allow” myself to be a “victim” of these attacks from the age of twenty-eight, until Mothers Day, May 2014. One month before my 50th birthday. ( And that’s a story for “the Movies”. ;0) …It was over a, or the, vast majority of my life.
It’s never been a fear of people or things. Unless I was in a “state”, so to speak, where I just felt that people could see, in my face, what I was feeling. I was told it did.
It is an increasing undercurrent of apprehension, strengthening itself into a dreaded viscosity of “visceral” terror. It never seemed, in my case anyway, to be by, any means or event.
I really don’t recall any true fears, until that cool spring day in 1974. (More on that later…)
Sure, I had fears. Temporary ones. Nothing that the sight of my parents or my 3-year-old baby sister couldn’t diminish, or even completely expropriate with.
But at the untrained, unfamiliar and learned age of ten and a half years, the only fears that I recall correctly, was getting “hit with the ball” in the face…or, if I was going to pass a particular test or quiz I failed to study for, the night before…having had a week, to actually prepare for.
I found, at that age, it was true…at least back then…” the age of Innocence”… But, starting to learn more about the “fun” in having a little bit of everything subsisting inside of me, and my friends… my “other” species of the gang… Like, “The Apes”. You can remember, “The planet of the apes”! I…was Cornelius! The commander of the “apes”! Even twitching our noses at one another in class.
On the playground, If we weren’t the ” apes”, we were, or I was at least, “THE SHADOW”! “Only the Shadow knows!”.
I had my first “Crush”, that wasn’t exactly reciprocal. So… I asked her if she would be my girlfriend, if, I bought her a ” Udoo Ball”. It worked! She smiled! Then, yes!
I had my first girlfriend, in 4th grade! We hardly spoke after she got her rubber ball. ( “To be continued…”)
Even though there were times, when “continuing“, was a Nightmare…
Yet, HE got me “through“…it all. And, He will, again. He can get you through too.)
Thanks, for letting me share, another part of the “Story”,
H. Bradley Colston
Email me @ firstname.lastname@example.org